Come As You Are

Now when the turn of Esther, the daughter of Abihail the uncle of Mordecai who had taken her as his daughter, came to go in to the king, she did not request anything except what Hegai, the king’s eunuch who was in charge of the women, advised. And Esther found favor in the eyes of all who saw her…The king loved Esther more than all the women, and she found favor and kindness with him more than all the virgins, so that he set the royal crown on her head and made her queen instead of Vashti. –Esther 2:15,17.

When deciding what Old Testament book to read through next, the book of Esther immediately jumped off the page at me. I saw the movie version of Esther, One Night with the King, before I read the book when I was in middle school. After watching the movie and then reading the book, I couldn’t help but fall in love with the story.

 

 

If you’re not familiar with the story of Esther, you can read the first two chapters here. From verses 8-14, we see that the women had to have a year of “beautification” – six months with oil and myrrh and six months with spices and the cosmetics (that sounds crazy to me!). After that – before a woman could go before the king for him to see whether or not he liked her – she was allowed to pick whatever extra jewels / trinkets /etc. she wanted from the harem to bring with her to see the king. In the movie (it’s not mentioned in Scripture, but it’s a funny scene), a woman goes to see the King and she chose pretty much all the gold jewelry in the harem, so when she goes to see the king, she looks ridiculous. She has trouble standing, because of how heavy the gold is…it’s pretty funny.

But Esther chose what no other woman did, which was to not wear anything from the harem except what the king’s eunuch, Hegai, recommended. Because of this (and also because of her personality, I’m sure), the king “loved Esther more than all the women”. So where am I going with this, you may ask?

This might be a stretch for me to apply the text in this way, but I think it works. I think Esther is a great example of how we should come into God’s presence. I think sometimes we try to “prepare ourselves” before we come to God. Obviously we should come with the right attitude; we should come with reverence and fear of our Heavenly Father. But I think God also wants us to come as we are, no matter what that entails. Whether we are joyful because of a blessing or we are in pain because of suffering, we should come to God with no masks or facades. God loves us, and He knows our hearts way, way better than anyone on earth, so why would we try and pretend to appear as someone we’re not?

David is also a great example of how to come into God’s presence. We see David come to God in exceeding joy and appreciation of God’s goodness (Ps. 111), but we also see David almost go insane with sadness and anger (Ps. 137:9, Ps. 86:1). When we come to God as a broken being, with questions that need answering and prayers to be heard, I believe God is glorified. Coming to God as we are, as Esther did, with no facades, is a beautiful thing. Coming as we are is a cry out to God, whether it’s a cry of praise or a cry for help.

So I encourage you to spend some quiet time with God today, and just bear your burdens on Him and praise Him for the blessings He has given. Our Heavenly Daddy wants nothing more than for us to come before Him and sit on His lap, coming as we are.

Happy New Years!

Happy 2013 everybody! I don’t know about you all, but 2012 was a crazy awesome year! So many gifts, challenges, blessings…the list goes on and on. Grateful for what’s behind, and anxious about what’s ahead. Kind of nervous about 2013, since it's my graduation year and is sort of the start of this whole "growing up" thing. The decisions I make in the next few years are life-changers, which is both terrifying and thrilling. As daunting as this year seems to be, I know it also has potential to be one of the sweetest. At a Sunday morning service, a wise man preached, “Keep Moving.” It’s a simple but wise statement on how to approach the New Year.

A dear friend gave me Charles Spurgeon’s “Morning and Evening Daily Readings” as a Christmas present, and I’d like to share Spurgeon’s wise words regarding the first day of the New Year.

Morning, January 1

“They did eat of the fruit of the land of Canaan that year.” Joshua 5:12

Israel’s weary wanderings were all over, and the promised rest was attained. No more moving tents, fiery serpents, fierce Amalekites, and howling wilderness: they came to the land which flowed with milk and honey, and they ate the old corn of the land. Perhaps this year, beloved Christian reader, this may be thy case or mine. Joyful is the prospect, and if faith be in active exercise, it will yield unalloyed delight. To be with Jesus in the rest which remaineth for the people of God, is cheering hope indeed, and to expect this glory so soon is a double bliss. Unbelief shudders at the Jordan which still rolls between us and the goodly land, but let us rest assured that we have already experienced more ills than death at its worst can cause us. Let us banish every fearful thought, and rejoice with exceeding great joy, in the prospect that this year we shall begin to be “forever with the Lord.”

God bless and Happy New Years!

There Will Be Peace One Day

Heart heavy for the families mourning in Connecticut. Neither my mind nor my heart can fathom what a terrible loss like this would feel like. Praying for the families to have, sooner rather than later, a sense of peace that only God can give. Oh Lord, give them Your strength. Wrap them in Your arms, for You hold all hope and comfort.

Come, let us return to the Lord.
For He has torn us, but He will heal us;He has wounded us, but He will bandage us. -Hosea 6:1

For momentary, light affliction is producing for us an eternal weight of glory far beyond all comparison, ¹⁸ while we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen; for the things which are seen are temporal, but the things which are not seen are eternal. -2 Corinthians 4:17

Then I saw a new heaven and a new earth; for the first heaven and the first earth passed away, and there is no longer any sea. ² And I saw the holy city, new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, made ready as a bride adorned for her husband. ³ And I heard a loud voice from the throne, saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is among men, and He will dwell among them, and they shall be His people, and God Himself will be among them, ⁴ and He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there will no longer be any death; there will no longer be any mourning, or crying, or pain; the first things have passed away.”
⁵ And He who sits on the throne said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And He said, “Write, for these words are faithful and true.” -Revelation 21:1-5

One day, folks. One day.

Depravity: What my Walk was Missing

A few weeks ago, I was stricken with a harsh realization; a realization that has been missing from my twelve-year walk with God.

Depravity.

Now some of you are probably thinking, “I have no idea what that means. Explain please?” Well in order to do so, I have to go back to the beginning.

Growing up, I was a really good kid. Obviously I had many bratty moments, as every kid does. But overall, I respected authority, was nice to my friends, didn’t cause trouble in class, etc. I learned something pretty early on about myself – I was different. I had an appreciation of the Bible and a yearning for learning more about God that not many of my classmates had, or at least that I knew about. (All of this to say – I’m not bragging about myself, here. “I said to the Lord, ‘You are my Lord; I have no good besides You” –Ps.16:2.) Growing up, I was told by teachers, Sunday school leaders, preachers, and my parents that I was a sinner. When you’re six years old learning about Jesus, teachers sort of sugar-coat how sinful we are; not because they’re bad teachers, but because they don’t want to scare little children. They don’t tell you, “You are DEAD and WORTHLESS without the hope of Christ! You were in the grasp of the DEVIL before Christ came to save your soul!”

You just don’t tell that to little children.

So growing up, I knew I was a sinner. Not just because people told me I was, but because I would look at the 10 Commandments, and think of how I broke so many of them. I reflected on thoughts I had about others or looked at words I had said to my friends, and saw that I sinned. I knew I was a sinner.

I just didn’t fully understand how much of a sinner I was. Until now.

 

 

For the past few years, I’ve been struggling with humility. I mean…really struggling. I’ve gotten pretty good at seeming humble on the outside, but when I reflected on the thoughts I had about myself, I knew how much I was not humble. Not that I don’t appreciate their sweet words, but it certainly doesn’t make it any easier when people tell you, “Oh you’re so humble!” Because you know how not humble you are.

It’s been so hard for me to come before the Lord saying, “I am a wretch! I’m a horrible, selfish sinner who doesn’t have it all together and I desperately NEED YOU!”

It’s been hard for me to say that because for my whole life I’ve been a pretty good kid. I’ve been trying to seek hard after the Lord, digging into His Word, trying to be a servant to others, putting others before myself, making myself available to those around me. I had felt like, even though I definitely wasn’t perfect, that I was on the right track, and therefore didn’t need God as much as others did. (You see how judgmental I can be, sometimes?) And that’s when God grabbed my soul and said, “You always need Me. You always need My grace. The only reason you’re a “good person” is because of Me and My work. I love you, and I know you love Me…but you are not desperate for Me. You are not depraved.”

The night that God and I had this little chat, I was overwhelmed with conviction. A few posts ago, I talked about how God’s conviction is a beautiful sword, that cuts deep but overall carves you into the man / woman God wants you to be. Yeah well, this sword cut deep, probably deeper than it ever had before.

I think I finally understand what it means to be taken to the “desert.” It’s finally starting to click.

Depravity was what was missing from my walk with God. Repentance was missing – or at least it wasn’t something I was continually doing. I’m beginning to fully understand how wretched I am, how selfish some of my motives have been. This week, God has been placing things in my life to test my humility. People are looking up to me as a leader, and I am being tested to see if I place the credit on God or myself.

This conviction the Lord granted me at first made me feel really bummed and emotionally / spiritually exhausted…until I was reminded of Romans 8:1. Isaiah 43:1. Philippians 1:6. Psalm 51.

Therefore there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

…Do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine!

For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Psalm 51: probably my favorite Psalm. This Psalm takes place right after David screwed up and committed adultery with Bathsheba and then had her husband killed. Psalm 51 is about conviction, repentance, and God healing your wounds. I love this verse the most:

Make me to hear joy and gladness, let the bones which You have broken rejoice.

All of this to say, I’m grateful for God’s conviction. I’m grateful for depravity – being so desperate to be sanctified and made more like Jesus Christ. Grateful for God, the gift of His Son, and His unconditional love for us, no matter how wretched we are.

“The world tells us to be strong and keep our heads up high, but the Word of God tells us that we are never stronger than when we are on our knees before the Father, crying out desperately to Him.”

Day 4: School

Thirteen years, this place has been my second home. Tonight, I don’t think I’ll be very good at expressing my love of this place. My school has become so much more than just a place of learning. It’s become a place of fellowship. The Lord has blessed me with a special bond with these people – not just my friends and classmates, but with my teachers. Those teachers are the best examples of humble servants I’ve known.

One of my favorite teachers used to be the CEO of a very big, important company in Belgium. She was near the top of the corporate food chain, and because of that her faith impacted many employees. Her leadership set of a domino-effect of success in that company. For all she knew, she was livin’ the life.

Until she got the call. The call from God telling her to move to the Southeast, USA to teach some high schoolers. She’s been there for about six years and is passionate about her job. The other day in our French class, she started tearing-up over how much she was going to miss us when we graduated. Years ago, she was in the spotlight. She had a huge company wrapped around her finger and was making some awesome pay.

But she chose to be obedient. She decided to leave the life of glory and chose to meet a need in our tiny school, a need for a business/finance/French teacher. Over the years she has instructed hundreds of students and I wouldn’t be surprised if one of them ended up being a financial master just like her. This woman is just one of many teachers at my school who have greatly impacted my life and sacrificed so much just to prepare some high school kids for college.

Meet the Black Box -
Where I've been taking theatre classes at my school for the past five years.
And also where I've laughed the hardest :)

 

But they have done so much more than just prepare us for college – college is temporary. The teachers at my school helped prepare us for eternity.

They helped us find ourselves. They taught us what it means to be men and women of God. Whether it was Honors Pre-Calc or AP Lit, the Gospel was brought to light. Through the Word of God, they handed us the spectacles to see the world in a totally different way. They encourage us. They pray for us. They love us.

I also couldn’t ask for a better senior class. The Lord has blessed our class with a ton of talent….I mean, it’s ridiculous. Our class has a ton of braniacs, incredible athletes, amazing singers, wonderful artists, etc. With the Lord by our side, our class has the potential to change the world. Or at least, greatly impact it. I totally believe that.

So thank you, Class of 2013, for being who you are. Whether we’ve known each other since kindergarten, have just become friends this year, or don’t even really know each other: you’re awesome. Each of you have made an impact at our school, and I firmly believe I’m a better person for knowing you. I wouldn’t want to toss my cap with anyone else but you guys. You’re the best.

Day 3: Church Family

Four years. That’s how long my family and I have been members of our wonderful church. I don’t deserve the body of believers the Lord has blessed me with. I am constantly being hit with an avalanche of love, and every time I am with them, they continually demonstrate the Lord’s grace and mercy. At the moment, writing this, I’m having a hard time thinking of words to say that would sufficiently express my gratitude. I’m so blessed.


Lake Placid Mission Trip: 2011

To all the church leaders who have impacted my life: Thank you. Whether we went on a mission trip together or merely chatted at the end of service, thank you for your continual display of the Lord’s love. Your smiles always brighten my day! When you see people, you don’t just see them, you see them, and recognize them either as brothers/sisters in Christ or as someone who is lost, who desperately needs what you have. Whether we are very close or mere acquaintances, so many of you have taught me what it means to make disciples and genuinely care for others. I wouldn’t trade that gift for the world. Thank you!

To my Pastor: Thank you so much for loving my family. My father treasures your friendship, and we all appreciate your prayers so much. Your admiration and devotion to the Lord is so inspiring...thank you for letting the Lord speak through you – not just at the pulpit on Sunday mornings, but in every little thing you do.

To the small group leaders I’ve had in the past and the ones I have now: Your devotion to us is really incredible, and I can’t thank you enough. I’ve learned so much from all of you and am happy to learn even more in the future. Your wisdom and love of the Word is so encouraging! Thank you for your service, your prayers, and your love.

To my Youth Pastor and his wife: Alright…now the tears are starting to come – shocker ;) I don’t even know how to thank you two. You both have played such a vital part in my life and I hope that when I grow up I will have a little bit of a mixture of both of you in me J You both are such awesome examples of obedience, and words can’t describe how grateful I am for how much you love our youth group. The Lord has used both of you in such mighty ways – I know at least in my spiritual walk with the Lord. Thank you for speaking Truth to us and praying for us. Thank you for always pushing us to be the best we can be – especially the seniors. I know we shouldn’t want to please man…but I hope that by the end of the year the seniors have made you proud! Oh, and thank you for introducing me to chacos!

To my fellow seniors: It’s been an awesome four years! (So far…it’s not over yet!) Thank you for welcoming me into your “clan”, you guys are such a funny, crazy bunch and you’ve rubbed off a little bit on me J To my senior girls: I love you ladies so much. From day 1 you accepted me as if we had been friends for years, and now it feels as if I’ve known you all my life! Each of you has a special place in my heart and I know that God has some awesome plans for each of you. We’ve done some stupid things together but we’ve also done some amazing things…all by the Lord’s grace. Through every tear and every crazy laughing fit, the Lord has gradually knit our hearts together. It’s been so great watching each of you start to grow into the woman God wants you to be…I sincerely hope we can continue that journey together! Thank you ladies for your prayers, your laughs, your craziness, and your love.

El Salvador Mission Trip 2012

 

Together…We sing. We work. We witness. We pray. We serve. We love.

Thank you for letting me be a part of it.  

Day 2: Family

“I love you” was a phrase of which I was very blessed to hear in my household growing up. To this day, family is “knit together in love”, and I’m very grateful. Our family is one that a lot of people don’t understand. Growing up I was sometimes questioned as to why I spent so much time with my parents or why I had movie days with my sister. The only response I was able to think of was, “well…my family and I are really close.” And for that, I am above and beyond thankful.

One my family's favorite vacation spots.

I’m so grateful to have a Dad who still enjoys having tickle fights with his eighteen year-old daughter. To have a Dad who demonstrates a character of strength and perseverance daily. To have a Dad who is a fellow nerd and watches LOTR with his daughters for fun. To have a warrior for a Father: on earth and especially in heaven.

I’m so grateful to have a Mom who genuinely cares for her daughter so much, that she gives her piles of books that teach on what it means to be a woman of God. To have a Mom who is a continual role model of selflessness when her daughter struggles with humility every day. To have a Mom who makes an apple pie just because she feels like it, and because life is good, so why not?

I’m so grateful to have a sister who seeks the Lord fervently. To have a sister who isn’t ashamed to belt out Broadway tunes while doing the dishes. To have a sister who passionately releases herself onto the canvas the Lord has given her. To have a sister whose laughter contagiously fills the room. To have a sister who is a role model…especially to me.

I’m so grateful to have extended family members who pursue the Lord. To have extended family members who are there for us – that have our backs. To have extended family members who make us laugh. To have extended family members who are continually praying for us.

I don’t deserve the family God gave me. But I’m sure glad He gave ‘em to me anyway.